“Sex is seen as a want rather than a need. And that’s a problem.”
Francesca previously blogged about why people who experience sexual dysfunction because of their MS shouldn’t be embarrassed to speak about it. Here, she explores other ways sex can impact your life when you have a disability.
MS can change the relationship dynamic
When you have a physical disability like MS, it changes your role within your romantic relationship. Your partner becomes your carer. The dynamics change quite dramatically then. You feel that they’re not viewing you as a romantic partner, but as a patient. And that’s a big difference.
Read Francesca's previous blog about sex
Sometimes if my arms and hands aren’t working, I can’t use a knife and fork and have to be fed. And that’s really demoralising, because you’re no longer equals in a relationship. Your other half becomes the caregiver, so it’s almost like a parental role. And the romance kind of seeps out of it.
It’s just me thinking this. I know that, because I’ve spoken to my husband about it, and that isn’t how he feels. But it’s not good for the self-esteem. How you see yourself is how you think others view you.
Read about support for family and friends caring for loved ones with MS
Not feeling good about myself
I’ve got to wear things like jeggings because I can’t do buttons. I’m not good at doing make-up anymore because I can’t hold the mascara. And my hair – all I’m able to do is brush it.
If you’re going for a night out, you choose your outfit because it looks good on you. And you do your hair in a way you know looks good on you. You do your make-up to make yourself look nicer. For me, I pull on a pair of jeggings because it’s easier to do.
And it’s an emotional, mental block. If you don’t feel good about yourself, how can you expect other people to feel good about you? You feel like you’re not worthy. And you think that nobody else views you as worthy.
This is one of those things that you may just feel you have to live with when you have MS. But we shouldn’t think like that – because we deserve to feel good about ourselves!
Sex isn’t seen as important
Sex, for a lot of people, is at the bottom of their list of important things in life. Particularly women. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Life takes over. You’ve got bills, mortgage or rent to pay. You’ve got children to look after. You’ve got work, family, older relatives to care for. Sex is seen a want rather than a need. And that’s a problem.
That could be another reason why people don’t bring sexual issues up with health professionals – because sex is so low down on their priorities list. They think it’s not important, and other people have got bigger problems. And another thing is people thinking: “Well they’ve got it far worse than me, they aren’t able to walk. So I’m not going to complain about not having satisfying sex.”
Talking about sex
I think it’s important to talk about all our symptoms. Because any new symptom can be an indication of a change in your MS. And if there’s something that can be done about any symptom, then it should be done.
But having said that, I’m very pragmatic. I’ll ask myself: Is this symptom causing me harm? Could it be an indication of anything else worse?
For example, losing the sensation in my hands can be quite dangerous. I could get burns and all the rest of it. But with the sexual dysfunction, although there is an impact, there isn’t a danger to my life.
I don’t want to take any more medication – I’m on enough as it is. But maybe there’s something else out there. Something that can be done to help with sexual dysfunction.
Although just talking about sex and knowing what you’re experiencing is normal – knowing what it is – is a big help. Because when your body is doing something you don’t understand, you panic. But when you know it’s nothing to worry about, and it’ll stop eventually, it’s more reassuring.
